What did the Policeman say to the stomach?

You're under a vest!

Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory?

Because he couldn't concentrate!

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Dam!

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?

Annette!

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

Nothing. It just let out a little wine!

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?

A Christmas Quacker!

What do you call a gun with three barrels?

A trifle!

Which country has the largest appetite?

Hungary!

What is the best xmas present in the world?

A broken drum, you just can't beat it!

Why did five eat six?

Because seven eight nine!

What do you call a donkey with three legs?

Wonkey!

What's furry and minty?

A polo bear!

Where do Snow-women like to dance?

At Snowballs!

Which players can't be trusted in an orchestra?

The fiddlers!

What kind of sandals do frogs wear?

Open-toad!

What is an underground train full of professors called?

A tube of smarties!

What do you get if a sheep walks under a rain cloud?

A sheep who is under the weather!

Which playwright was terrified of Christmas?

Noel Coward!

What's invisible and smells like cookies and milk?

Santa's burps!

What sickness does a martial artist have?

Kung FLU!

Why can't a nose be twelve inches long?

Because then it'd be a foot!

What do you get when you a cross a vampire with a snowman?

Frostbite!

Who is the greatest underwater spy?

James POND!

Where do wasps go when they're sick?

The waspital!

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?

Because he had a low "elf" esteem!

How does Santa take his photos?

With his North Pole-aroid !

Why was Santa's workshop closed down?

for Elf and safety!

What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?

Krisp Kringle!

What is red, white and blue at Christmas?

A sad candy cane!

Why were the carpenters teeth chipped?

Because he was always biting his nails!

Why is the leopard the only animal that can't hide from hunters?

Because he's always spotted!

What is a boxers favourite drink?

Punch!

Why was the beach wet?

Because the seaweed!

What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?

Tarzipan!

What do you call a Ukranian girlfriend?

A chick in Kiev!

Can you tell me what a specimen is?

(In an italian accent) It's an italian atronaut! Space-a-man!

What do you call a Spaniard that has lost his car?

Carlos!

What do you call a Spaniard with no legs?

Gratias!

Where is the Inland Revenue's headquarters?

Andover!